Finding a Spouse ("The One") | Victor Tey

In this sermon, Victor Tey debunks the lie that there is only one perfect “soul-mate” for you to marry and some practical tips to help you find a spouse.

Engaged vs Betrothed vs Espoused vs Married vs Concubine (00:19)

  1. Engaged (modern day man-made concept)
    1. A covenant between two singles to one day be married (father can still veto this covenant).
    2. It’s still a sin to break your promise but not considered adultery, just lying.
    3. Any intimacy is sinful and would be considered fornication.
  2. Betrothed & Espoused (biblically engaged)
    1. A covenant where the couple is considered husband and wife but have not yet come together physically
      1. Deuteronomy 20:7 – betrothed a wife and hath not taken her
      2. Deuteronomy 28:30 – betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her
      3. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 & 2 Samuel 3:14 – David espoused to Michal when dowry paid
      4. Matthew 1:18-25 – Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together
      5. Luke 2:5 – his espoused wife (as opposed to just wife)
    2. Covenant can only be ended in lawful divorce
      1. Matthew 5:31-32 – saving for the cause of fornication
      2. Deuteronomy 24 – bill of divorcement
    3. Same judgement as a married woman when dealing with issues of fornication (ie. death penalty)
      1. Deuteronomy 22:22-24 – “woman married” vs “virgin be betrothed”
      2. Q: Why is there a bill of divorcement when the punishment for a betrothed woman committing fornication is death?
        1. Deuteronomy 19:15-21 – two or three witnesses required for death sentence
        2. The husband could be lying.
    4. A better practice than just being “engaged” because if they cannot contain they can be joined together without sinning.
  3. Married
    1. Same as 2, but the couple have come together physically.
    2. Q: What is a concubine?
      1. Could be a servant that has been married to her master?
      2. Not just a live-in girlfriend.
      3. Judges 19:1-5 – husband, father in law, son in law.

You Must FIND a Wife (22:47)

  1. Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord
    1. I don’t buy into the whole “God just brought her along to me” speel.
      1. Might apply to a girl.
      2. Maybe God crossed your paths, but you still made the decision and took the opportunity.
      3. Bit like calvinists that won’t admit their works starts with a decision to act/submit.
      4. Or, “Only God get’s people saved” – so my decision to go soulwinning today didn’t change anything?
    2. This means it will take work, endurance, patience, heartache, disappointments and prayer.
      1. Proverbs 20:6 – a faithful man, who can find? – not saying that it’s impossible to find.
      2. Proverbs 31:10 – who can find a virtuous woman? – someone did because she is married.

3 Tips to Help Women Attract a Godly Husband (27:45)

  1. Make it known that you are available and wanting to marry
    1. Nothing wrong with wanting to be married – don’t let insults about being “desperate” or “clucky” discourage you.
      1. It’s biblical for a woman to be “clucky” – 1 Timothy 5:14
      2. Wear it as a badge of honour that you are wanting what is most valuable in life.
    2. Expose yourself to people. Go along to social events.
    3. Let people hook you up with friends.
  2. Don’t lead the relationship.
    1. You want to marry a leader.
    2. Don’t be too hard on the guys. Rejection is difficult enough as it is.
  3. Win a single man the same way you win a married man.
    1. 1 Peter 3:1-6 – Ornament of a meek and quiet spirit
    2. Not wrong to do up your hair or wear jewelry. But should not be what makes you attractive. Ultimately the inner man is what makes any woman attractive.
    3. the same spirit that can win a husband to the Lord, is the same spirit that will attract a husband to you.
    4. Trust God, don’t turn marriage and motherhood into an idol.

There is Not Only ONE Person For You to Marry (40:27)

  1. Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord
    1. Not ‘the’ wife. There are more options than one.
  2. Even if God only had one woman for you (which he doesn’t) how would you even identify her with any certainty?
    1. God’s word?
      1. Does not identify an individual
      2. Obviously it guides our choices but I will get into this later in the sermon
    2. Emotion?
      1. Jeremiah 17:9 – heart is deceitful
      2. The worst thing to guide you when it comes to dating.
    3. Circumstances?
      1. Relative and subjective
      2. Every circumstance interpreted to go in the direction you already desire.
      3. It’s something you believe but cannot prove one way or the other – no assurance
      4. Q: What about Abraham’s servant and Rebekah? – Genesis 24:11-27
        1. He was looking for certain attributes, not an arbitrary sign (saved, hard-working, considerate).
        2. And he wasn’t the vested party in the relationship.
        3. Not the same as
          1. “If she accepts my friend request on facebook she’s the one”
          2. “If we get put in the same youth group or class together she’s the one”
          3. “you like green? I like green!”
    4. Obedience?
      1. Who is obedient enough to ensure they have not gone astray from the path that leads to “the one”?
      2. The will of God is written in the bible. It doesn’t make decisions that God has left for you.
      3. You will end up back at problems 1-3 because obedience depends on what is written in the word, and if it’s not the word then it’s the other 2 factors.
    5. Like assurance of salvation, no assurance apart from God’s word.
      1. Creates same problem in dating where people constantly in doubt of the person they have chosen because they have created a concept (“the one”) outside the word of God and the word of God cannot give assurance to it.

Conclusion: Who you marry is a choice you must make. More on that next week.


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